julia

- i have two 2000 word essays due, tuesday & wednesday
- one exam on 9 chapters, 3 plays, and various paintings/statues on friday
- i have just randomly been offered a big thing of rice and peas, with gravy. what?
- i took it. why not?
- realised i’ve had sex with two different guys in one month. and you know what, that’s fine.
- it’s super windy out and it’s very halloween-esque weather.
- empire state of mind - jay z ft alicia keys. good song
- i have no food at home and am pretty much starving. good thing rando offered me rice?
- maybe i look hungry…
- i can’t wait for ali to upload halloween pictures. there are a couple supa cute ones of me et alex. …just saying:)
- finally texted mark, the one who emailed me, just to see if he’s actually ignoring me. no he’s not. just waited until i texted him because he knew i would cave. lame
- okay, going back to essay.
- oh i downloaded adium. so cute!
- found the girl that dyl has hooked up with on fb. by accident, is wear. i’ve NOT stalked on her on purpose this entire time (like 2 months) and now i accidentally stumbled across her page. but who cares. i deleted him out of my phone and i feel cleansed. ha.
- oh and i’m happy with alex. that helps too:)

i could make a list of pros and cons about both the places. it’d be lengthy, detailed, and give people from both places quite a nice view into the life of the opposing city. or i could just say… it’s second period, the canucks have less shots on goal than the leafs, and vancouver is still up two. i’m pretty sure the argument of the better city has been settled - that’s all.

on another note, my sister just had her champagne & cupcakes party (cute, i know) and i met her friends’ younger sister paulina. she goes to u of t and is in second year and was really quite nice:) didn’t expect that because she’s one of those tall, skinny, still pretty sans make up girls, but she was super down to earth and kind of gave me perspective to just be nice to people. i mean, i should already know that but i go into a lot of friendships with a set predisposition and i really shouldn’t. also something i should already know. and i do know that, but sometimes i forget. just smile and be friendly, doesn’t mater who the other person is.

and another note, kristen i’m glad you got my card! i’d just like to brief you on the fact that i have no idea what i wrote in the note but i did have a lot of fun writing it. also, that the main gist of the card was i love you and i hope your birthday is lots of fun and your year even better :)

this year is the most studious year i’ve ever had in all my life. that’s not saying much, but it is at the same time because i honestly am like a new leaf this year. yes i worked out a lot last year which was healthy and all that, but i think that studying measures up quite nicely next to that. especially since i am still exercising, just not as much. i’m doing hot yoga and i think i’m going to start going to dragon boat training seshes and just get absolutely jacked. with the aid of my friend, protein, of course. wish me luck? but honestly, i have binders with my readings, all the powerpoint slides, my written in class notes, typed up readings notes… everything. i guess the only thing left to do is to actually read allll of it.

um, i was going to hang out with alex tonight. i’m not but i think it’s a good thing. i mean living on res. meant i hung out with killian/dylan all the time. like alll the time. but i also feel like i’ve changed that way. just in the sense that i can have my own life and have a boy be a part of it too. not just be my life, but a little part in it. it’s quite nice :)

annnnnd now i’m going back to watching vancouver destroy toronto, and enjoy some delivered swiss chalet. nom nom nom.

Don’t organize your studies if you know you’re behind. Organizing will only distinguish all hope of living in a blissful state of ignorance, where readings are only 10 pages max. and come at 1/week per class. Organizing will dash all hopes and wishful thinking, leaving you with a dreaded anxiety and a feeling of stress so strong you don’t want to do anything except 1) kill your profs or, a sadder alternative, 2) kill yourself. Neither of which are productive nor practical. Alas, lesson of the day - Do not organize yourself if you know you are behind. Stay in that little peaceful zone of the unknowing, and then cry when your exams come. But by then, it’s too late and all you can say is c’est la vie. But now… now if I don’t read these, there’ll be a terrible weight of guilt sitting on my shoulders until, and unfortunately, after the exams. Boo.

Lesson number 2? Never choose to be an English major, and if you do, be wise enough not to take three English courses in one semester.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAH. :(

so he (alex) said about my eyes. after he told me he loves them. ha, what? do guys just come up with the most random things to say in fear of being cliche or… honestly, i think he meant it. because he said it once at night casually, then reinstated his opinion the next morning. ya, so we kissed. after all the butterflies in my stomach and over analyzing in my brain and daydreaming in classes… it turns out he has been interested but didn’t think i was interested. and thought i was out of his league. why do guys tell me that? i didn’t, and never have and never will, know how to respond to that comment. but whatever, it was fun spending time with him and he was really sweet and all that good stuff. and he’s tall :) i don’t know what else to write about him. he’s cute. friendship definitely tainted. whaaat else. oh ya, orest texted me in the morning. needless to say, i did not respond to that. oh and i finally replied to marks’ email. hope it was ..okay. and that he doesn’t think i’m arrogant or condescending or a complete ass because i didn’t mean in any way to sound better than him or anything. i just didn’t know how to express my feelings soo, ya. fingers crossed he doesn’t hate me i guess. um ya, and now i am going to study study study all day long. and then the volleyball playa playas leave tonight for windsor. tres triste, my house is going to be so empty and sad. alex said he’d come keep me company though. okay, i think i need to rename him. calling him alex is honestly just too weird and i don’t think i can do it. that’s why i call him topper when i talk to him but he’s not a fan of that. i can’t believe he’s been interested the whole time and i’ve been like lalala i wish he was because i have a massive crush on him. aaaanyway. i’m going to go find the sincerity in my eyes. just kidding. more like some scraps of good work ethic hidden deep, deep, deep inside of me. hello three days of readings, goodbye life.

when they told you time flies. be who you want to be, be who you are. stand up for what you believe in, and try everything once. laugh at yourself, take things with a grain of salt, forgive but never forget. time heals everything. learn from your mistakes, from the mistakes of others. listen, listen, listen, then ask strategic questions. trust your instincts, listen to your brain, and follow your heart. recognize the people who have impacted your life and left footprints in your heart, appreciate them. hold onto your childhood, never lose your gift of imagination. be spontaneous, be loud, be bold. make a new friend, make a new fashion statement, make a name for yourself. be known. don’t be sheep, and if you have to be sheep, be black sheep. take time for yourself. sit down, and just think. or don’t think. focus on you. take every opportunity, the only bad opportunity is an opportunity missed. if a door doesn’t open, break through a window. if something doesn’t happen, make something happen. love recklessly and without abandon. know that life isn’t slowing down for you, and living in any other tense but the present is a waste. do the things you want to today, because tomorrow isn’t promised. smile at the end of each day, and be thankful for your life. when you die, die without regrets. make a bucket list, and complete it. life is one giant, extended, chance. it is a shorter synonym for opportunity. seize it.

…but so have like 5 other guys in my recent past, so take this with a grain of salt.

i always thought this guy was cute. he’s tall and lanky and has brown hair and blue eyes. he plays the drums, i think, and he wears plaid and a nice jacket. his jeans look nice on him bum - or does his bum look good in his jeans? he doesn’t take time doing his hair, and he smiles all the time. he’s funny and he gives good, aka bear, hugs. he remembers things i’m doing, or am going to do, or have done, and he called me lovely. and we just started hanging out, even though i’ve known him over a year now.

so what do i do about guy i hang out with all the time? or guy who likes me but i don’t like? nothing, right? because guy i’m interested in, probably has no idea and is probably not interested at all.

but that’s okay. because i, and no this is not me convincing myself, do not want a relationship. i am not interested. i like this having fun business because, sorry to be redundant, it is fun. i love no attachments, no strings, no feelings. i like when guys like me, or when guys want me. i like even more when i just don’t care. and i’m so scared karma’s going to come and bite me in the butt, but i think i’ve had enough bad karma for the next little while. plus, i’m not playing with the feelings of the guys who i know like me. as in, the guys who like me and have told me. the guys who act like they like me but haven’t said straight up that they do… i pretend they don’t. and by all this plural talk, i just mean he. he’s really only one person. and the one that said straight up i like you, i say sorry, no go. in nicer words. and maybe all of this fun business is deeper than just me having random little dates, but i don’t care. people have tried psychoanalyzing me and telling me that i’m doing this on purpose, that i’m potentially hurting other people, because i’ve been hurt. because i do hurt. etc. whatever. while that may be true, it’s also because i’m only nineteen and haven’t been single for essentially this entire year. even though i am now, i still have a boy who consistently calls and texts and wants to hang out. does that count as being single? only halfway. i want to be completely single. but i’m scared. of the days when i’m lonely and want someone. i like having this guy to call up, even though i know i shouldn’t. and for the most part, i’ve done well. i haven’t called, or texted just because i wanted someone. good shoppers never settle, right. and it’s not that i don’t like him. it’s that i don’t like him enough to want to date him. plus, i get too many crushes. too many boys, too little time. definitely not a complaint though. because my new crush … is super cute. and i’d almost be surprised if you (as in amanda, maybe amy) can’t figure out who it is. anyway, so now i need to tell guy who i hang out with all the time.. that we can’t hang out all the time anymore. easier said than done, wish me luck. i’m terrified of officially being single. i hate being alone, i really do. and i know what dylan did was crap, and we had the dumbest fights, but really. i still miss that kid. and he made me like blonds. i never liked blonds. now i’m all about blonds with messy surfer hair, a crooked smile, plaid shirts, cargo shorts or old sweats, and boat shoes or flip flops. aka my standards have dropped significantly. but don’t worry, a part of me still loves when a guy dresses nicely. but i love messy looking guys who look like they just don’t give a fuck. what is wrong with me. and i know this blog is all over the place in terms of how it’s written. sorry. urg, i have to meet the boys at the library. i wish it was christmas. i miss you kristen and i am so rattled i can’t be at your birthday but i hope it is some super bombtastic amazing drunk times, sans pukage and especially sans drama.

more on the boy i’m crushing on as my crush develops. if it does. and more on the boy i hang out with all the time but need to stop when i tell him. if i do. …i will.

11. mark sent me a long email. basically to ask me out on a coffee date. and to tell me what happened with dyl was absolutely not my fault and i shouldn’t be afraid of falling for someone again. anyone.
12. i ran into dylan when i went to study at wetmore. we studied together for a bit then i got the hell out of there and joined alex. topper. so cute. ah.
13. then i asked him if he wanted to get coffee sometime. dylan, not topper.
14. verdict? sunday
15. i still haven’t re-written my essay, and am still thinking of the “sexual undertones” my prof brought up with me today.
16. i have so much reading to do, it’s insane. i don’t think it’ll ever get done
17. i finally, finally paid my cell phone bill. yay
18. i still miss home
19. i like my outfit today
20. favourite places to study - ss, pratt, and new. ss for being close to classes, coffee, big tables. pratt for comfy couches and good company. new for close to home, but not home so i’m not so distracted.

01. i’m pretty sure i was hired on the spot at starbucks on queen st west & john.
02. i realized after i applied to three places that i already have a job.
03. i missed an entire section, worth 33 pts, on my classics exam. i could’ve killed the exam, i only lost 8 marks on the other section. the mark i got is relatively the same as my friends who did not miss an entire section. alsdfj i’m so mad at myself.
04. i got nice black skinnies from the gap :)
05. i got even more clothing from (ew) urban planet. i know, it hurts me to say i shopped there and i barely want to admit it but the sale was too good to pass up and the items i got don’t look (too?) cheap. it was a buy one, get another for $1 sale. no one walks away from that.
06. i finished my american lit essay last night, talked to my prof today, and have to revamp it to make it more in depth and analytical. um… okay?
07. i have been doing this instead of the previously mentioned. queen of procrastination. i plan on eating after this blog.
08. there is an asian couple sitting near me, staring into space when not into each others eyes, caressing each others hands and sharing a plate of food. they are so disgusting, i want to puke. on them, preferably.
09. i still really want a shirt that says 1 <3 TO. that’s supposed to be a right-side-up heart but kinda impossible here.
10. i miss home! i can’t say that enough.

dark and morbid thought but when i die, i want this brad paisley ft dolly parton song played at my funeral. and in case you were wondering, here are the lyrics.

because you somehow managed to break me into pieces, and then to top it off - you walked away, and never looked back.

i’m thankful for:

01. my sister and how she’s been there for me through everything. from hiding in recycling bins, cutting off the feet of stuffed animals, me freaking out in submarines, almost killing a guy trying to run off a cliff, annual boxing day trips on robson through slush and angry consumers (ie me), her exboys, her perma-boy alexisonfire, my multiple rando-boys, school and numerous life crisis (always me)… everything. honestly, just everything. there’s way too much to even list. i love you forever and a day! and i still shotty dying first.

02. my roommates; kristin for talks, mitch for music, killian for laughter, katrina for stability, alex for kindness.

03. brittany for the whole package; amanda for her faith in me and laughing until we cry; kristen for keeping in touch; katelyn for being my other half even across the world; ryan for thinking of me and keeping me dude-like; orest for fun company; victoria for being my brain; ali and rummy for making class worth going to; dylan for lessons and growth; april for her advice and wisdom; alyssa for her undeniable strength; katy for showing me a different kind of people; the entire womens rugby team for being so open and welcoming; amanda capone for getting me into it and believing in me;amanda gregoris for never failing to call me when i fall off the earth; lorhen and elaine for keeping in touch despite never seeing each other; shannon for keeping me grounded and knowing me inside and out; amy for big words and banana pancakes; lindsea for knowing who she is and inspiring me; mike manning for being mike manning; jeff for saying i’m the best looking asian at u of t and for being so nice; brad paisley, keith urban, taylor swift, tim mcgraw, toby keith, sugarland, rascal flatts, doc walker, jack johnson, john mayer, and bob marley for lyrics; my mom for unconditional love.

04. starbucks caramel macchiatos; timmys french vanillas; spots mochas

05. hot yoga, sweating, and spandex

06. metropasses

07. shoes & an unlimited, endless amount of styles, colours, etc.

08. mittens, scarves, toques, pants under pants, shirts under shirts. it’s winter again

09. the beauty that is british columbia and being able to call it home

10. my entire life. i have everything i could possibly want