julia

first, i’d like you to know two weeks is nothing, as it’s been since july 11th for me. yes i know the date. we were in tofino. i’m beyond dying.

secondly. i’m sad, too. and i’m mad. frustrated with myself. why can’t i just get over this. how are you still such a big part of my thoughts, my daily actions, my choices. i don’t even want to be with you. my logic and emotion are battling each other and even though logic is winning, emotion is killing me. i just want to cry. i don’t. i feel sick too. the idea that we can both do whatever we want hurts me as much as you say it hurts you. i hate that you’re not good enough. i hate that i like someone who can hurt me this much. i wish you were better for me. i wish so badly you knew what we could be, that you could remember all the good stuff. that you cared enough to try. i feel like i’m pigeon holed, with no choices. i can’t get back together with you. you’re not worth it. you are a series of consistent let downs, dramas, and tears. you’re not the guy i want, or wished you to be. i know what you can be. i see how you care, and the sweet person you are. i see that. but you destroy it and tear down my hopes by listening to your own logic and saying we can’t do this. i didn’t say i want to be with you. i don’t even know what i want. i just know that i want you to want me. and i know you do. but you don’t want a relationship. like i’ve never heard that line before. you can’t have the best of both worlds, you know that. it’s unfair to me for you to tell me you like me, for you to kiss me, and cuddle me, and tell me how beautiful i am in your eyes and how unbelievable i am, when you don’t want to be with me. i hate that i still care so much and that if you told me you wanted to get back together i would actually hear you out. i hate that i can’t kick you to the curb like i should. i want to so bad. it’s so hard just to not text you back. or yesterday when you ran out of my house saying you had to leave before you do something stupid, it took every single ounce of my dignity and pride and principle to not follow you. because why should i? you just keep running away, and in the end, i’m still without you. and even when i am with you, you’ve said before you tried to not get too attached. what the hell. you’re a lost boy and by following what you think is right in your head, you’re hurting your heart. but who am i to talk, because here i am, doing the god damn same thing. but in the long run, my heart will be better. yours? your head might clear and realise what you’ve lost. maybe. that’s wishful thinking, but here’s to hoping. i know i shouldn’t care about you. but i do. and that’s the sad truth. because when it all boils down, no matter how much i say i love my life right now - and i should - i wish it were better. i know having a boy is such a small aspect. but it’s not that i want to have him. it’s that he still has my heart, and i can’t get it back.

so, i’m sad. i’m really sad, and everything hurts.

ps. i love you, kl. 

so all the guys called me a tease back in high school. yeah, guess who’s back. thaaat’s right. so last night i was supposed to hang out with bams and he texts like practice is over, come over when youre back.. if you want to hang out. so i’m like i should be home around 10. at like 10 he texts saying he doesn’t feel so good and we’ll have to hang out tomorrow. um, fuck that. so i call and he’s like hey etc. then he asked if i got his text. me - “what text?” yah, good move julia. so then he tells me he doesn’t feel good and he feels sick to his stomach and just frustrated etc. so i’m like yenno what, i’m on my way home, you live on my street, a good friend would come by anyway to make sure you’re good. so i went over and nothing happened (get your minds out of the gutter) except i made him force puke. boy that was gross. now i can imagine how it was when he puked on my bed. it was like buckets of water. okay i’m sure you didn’t want an image but now that it’s painted, we can’t go back. then we slept. yes, we slept. as in i slept there. his bed is big enough for two and we didn’t cuddle or spoon or anything, just zonked out. then this morning… i teased him to no end. and after he’s all like i need you, blahblah. although he doesn’t want to date me because he can’t see us getting married. WOAH. okay i know that shouldn’t even matter to me because i don’t necessarily want to marry him either but still, that hurt. is that bad? anyway, so he like spent this entire morning trying to kiss me and me just dodging him. it was funny, i think we’ve made it into a comedic thing. it’s weird .. but not really. it’s just funny. and on one hand i know i shouldn’t be doing it but on the other it’s just so much fun. fun wins over logic, every time. oops? :)

i didn’t like it?

i like kissing boys, but he wasn’t much fun to kiss. which was a slight let down as i had my eye on him before but he had a girlfriend. they broke up a few weeks ago, comme moi and dylan. he’s also in phys ed. bad idea julia, word WILL spread. anyways, it wasn’t much fun, not exciting to kiss. lame. i think i have high standards for kissing. but that’s good, right? although i was super happy this morning to find that the guy who passed out in my bed did NOT in fact puke NOR bleed in it. my standards have lowered in that sense. and no, i was not in the bed with him. just fyi. 

in other news, i am filling out rugby forms. oh it’s real. training starts on the 31st and i’m going to get killed either at 2 a days training or at a game. either way, rip me? a little morbid to joke about, i know. sorry. 

what else? dylan was going to come hier soir. but he was like i really don’t want to go to the brunny - OH yeah, this was all at the brunny. oh my gosh have i missed that place. i don’t care how much april (my boss, former phys ed student aka former frequent brunny goer) bashes it. it just doesn’t matter. it’s cheap 5$ cover, cheap drinks before 11 i think (okay, i’m never actually there before 11 but still, good to know right?), and phys ed boys plus other cute ones. HOW do you go wrong?! simply, you don’t. close to campus, near food places, good everything, really. not the classiest place, but i’m 19 and just here to party. ALTHOUGH yesterday, i went sober. yep, dry as can be. katy and i went and were like we will drink if people get us drinks. she was on 6 by the time she left and well, i was turning them down by the time i left. but anyways, dylan was going to come but then he didn’t and was like sorry:( etc because i said we couldn’t be friends ever if he didn’t come. buttt yeah. glad he felt bad and texted me more than once because i didn’t reply. apparently that’s all you have to do to get a guys attention anyhow. don’t pay attention to them. but i hate games. therefore, not playing games.

UM my mom flies in tonight, i’m super excited. don’t know what we’re doing tonight but it should be good. either tomorrow night or sunday night will be a family barbeque apres work which should also be good. if it’s on sunday night there are like… 4 different parties tomorrow. probably going to go somewhere with jen… meet her boy and her boys boys ahem if ya catch my drift. mm boys:) then not sure what’s going on next week really except my moms still here and i work until wednesday and we’re flying out sometime on the thursday for nova scotia (wooo!!). 

okay i’m starving. going to ACTUALLY do my resumes and junk today. ordered cheques and filled out my eligibility & such forms yesterday. finishing my cces doping certificate today. and… fix my courses! yes. must do that. i have 2 courses in first semester. that means i can’t play rugby. and… 2 courses is kinda lame? no kidding.

kristen thanks for your text about the tornado warning, you are kinda the sweetest thing and i miss your pretty face (L)

 after all you put me through, all the ups and downs, even before you cheated, i’m finally ready to see the bad in you. i always found an excuse for you, found a reason to pretend you were better than what you were. you’re an amazing friend, don’t get me wrong. you were always there for me, thick and thin, rain or shine, you were there. but you don’t understand a lot about girls, and me. and relationships. and the dynamics of what is appropriate, what isn’t, how to handle a situation, and what to say. maybe we’re just not as compatible as i had previously thought. whatever it is, i’m finally realizing the absolute crap lines you’ve used on me and the total bullshit you’ve inflicted upon me. i’m done dylan. done getting my feelings hurt, done wondering why you can’t show you care as much as you say do, done staying up late thinking about whether you’re hooking up with some girl at a party ‘cause you’re drinking, done feeling sick to my stomach whenever i think about you fucking some broad in a car. i’m done letting you do this to me, and i’m done with hurting myself.

relationships should be fun. they should come easy, naturally, and give you the butterflies feeling every single time. i liked you a lot and it was easy at the beginning. fuck, it’s always easy at the beginning. i guess time proved us wrong though and we diminished. even now i know kissing you is one of the best feelings ever, and having you hold me is one of the most comforting. but all of it is temporary, and you’re going to go right back to kicking me when i’m already down on the ground.

i’m done with that. i’m so, so much better than that. i’m not saying i’m better than you. i still love you as a friend because we are so good at being friends. we get along amazingly well, and it misleads us into thinking we could date. and who knows, maybe one day down the line we will again. but for now, i’m taking myself out of this equation because all it ever equals to is me crying, me frustrated, me venting, me hurt. and the worst part is that you never seem to understand. 

so, i’m letting you go. i will have lapses of regret where i want you, like you, and wish i were with you. but i’ve been strong so far and i can keep doing this. bottom line is, i don’t need a guy and i especially don’t need you. i don’t need the hurt you come with. i just need you as a friend now and as terrified as i am to lose you as that, i know that whatever happens will only happen  for some crazy reason and it’ll all work out in the end. there are plenty of fish in the sea, most of whom won’t make me their bait.

I took a chance, I took a shot
and you might think I’m bulletproof, but I’m not
you took a swing, I took it hard
and down here from the ground I see who you are

…
I’m sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
you tell me that you want me then push me around
and I need you like a heartbeat
but I know you got a mean streak 
that makes me run for cover when you’re around

…
I take a step back, and let you go
I told you I’m not bulletproof, now you know 

oh hey toronto, i’m here to stay. for the rest of my university education anyways. here’s my epiphany like thing:
01. i can get a BA and graduate with a double major in english and french and still work in public relations or marketing or communications… or anything.
02. i can also graduate with that degree and if i want to work in hospitality & tourism, i can attend college for a year or two and get a certificate. bam.
03. additionally, i can graduate, change my mind, write my lsat exam and maybe get into law school.
04. i can play rugby and test my skills
05. i already have a house here
06. i love my friends here. the thought of leaving toronto is so much more sad than it ever was leaving surrey. 18 years there, 12 months here… ironic, eh?
07. i can always apply to study abroad next or fourth year in australia… or anywhere i want.
08. i don’t want to feel like i’m running away from the dylan situation or anything else. i don’t want to feel like i don’t know what to do with my education so i’m abandoning it for a year. i know i can pull through and have a good time, so i’m going to.

those are the reasons for my staying in toronto. also because i just haven’t spent enough time here yet - i think i’ve mentioned that before. and leaving some of the people here would really just be tres triste, even though i know i’d meet amazing friends in australia, or wherever i go, too. it’s just not time to leave yet i don’t think. this year is exciting. i’m living with some of my best friends, in my first house, playing a varisty sport, working two dope jobs and hopefully getting another. this isn’t the time to go. life is good. i’m cosy and more importantly, i’m happy.

amanda this is pour vous.

01. a time for dancing - davida wills hurwin
02. charlotte’s web - e.b. white
03. awake and dreaming & the war trilogy - kit pearson
04. anne of green gables - LM Montgomery
05. where the red fern grows - wilson rawls
06. atonement - ian mcewan
07. the time travelers wife - audrey niffenegger
08. the five people you meet in heaven - mitch albom
09. the secret garden - frances hodgson burnett
10. ramona, a novel series - beverly cleary
11. amelia bedelia, series - peggy parish
12. harry potter, series - j.k. rowling
13. adventures of huckleberry finn & adventures of tom sawyer - mark twain
14. little women - louisa may alcott
15. oliver twist - charles dickens

&&

BBC’s 100 books. the average person will only read 6 of the 100. mission time! let’s get me a lib card :)

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hossein
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan


51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel X
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokovx
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno – Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyto

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

i LOVE behemoth. LOVE LOVE love behemoth. for those who don’t know what it’s like…this is it ! check it out. hahah it’s amazing and so much fun!! so wonderland was a super fun time, with mark and his friend farhan. we went in the water park, the actual rides, and i feel like it was a defining moment in my life since i’ve never actually been on a real roller coaster (cne doesn’t count) and i’m terrified of heights. so we left a bit after 10, when it closes, and came back to my place and met dyl here. wasn’t too awkward although mark apparently felt it. it was kinda weird but then drinks started pouring, conversation started flowing, and the buzz started happening. everything was good. so much fun, lots of jokes. my cousins joined in and it’s cool ‘cause dyl knows willy from bc and tina from school here although it was their first time hanging out but they get along and t really likes him too. anywho. so everything was awesome until we hit the pub or rather, after we came home from the pub. we hit up molly bloom’s and after.. was a shitshow. essentially, dyl and mark passed out in my bed and that’s cool but then dyl started puking and covered my bed, himself, and poor mark in his liquidy, pasta-y vomit. awesome. then we dragged mark (not easy by the way, 185 or so pounds of dead weight) to the kitchen floor where we made him a bed of sheets and a sleeping bag and took off his shirt and he passed out there. then someone took dyl out and he’s like i should clean off in the shower .. wtf. so he did that and i went in to make sure he wasn’t passed out drowning or anything and he’s just standing there with his clothes and sheepish smile on. i’m like you’re an idiot, take off your clothes. so he does. good boy. then we make him a bed near marks on the kitchen floor but the retard thinks it’s a better idea to run and flop onto my bed. it would’ve been fine had it not been covered in his own puke and second, had he NOT hit his head against something on or near my bed and cut his eyelid. yep, blood everywhere. awesome. so then i finally get him to his little “bed” of cushions and.. a towel haha on the floor. and t helps me clean my bed and flip the mattress after cleaning that, too. overall, a dirty night. but fun.

and at least there was not dylan drama. until the next morning. when he was still hammered, i was a little drunk still too and we made out. even though we decided to just be friends. and then we were like k we can’t do that again. it kinda hurts that he thinks its a good idea to just be friends but in my head it makes sense and i’m trying to think more with my head instead of my heart this time. although he keeps saying how he wants to be with me so bad, he just doesn’t feel like it’s the right thing for the time. and i agree because hell i don’t even know if i’m staying in the city this year. and because i’m supposed to be focusing on school right now. anyways, so tina, willy, dylan and i went to kensington market. t wanted food, and dyl had to go to eaton centre after to get a new numero for his cell. so i get a text from him during work that’s his new number. and then 2 phone calls, and like 4 more texts saying how he’s sorry about last night and this morning and please don’t ignore him and etc. and in actuality it was because i was working and no where near my phone that i didn’t reply. which is probably the best thing that could’ve happened and worked out nicely. anyways so i gave him a ring after work like hey what’s up and he’s like did you get my texts?! baha. so we hung out after i got home, showered, etc. - very convenient that he literally lives down the street. so hanging out was weird at first and it just sucks because everything is so familiar with him. like just sitting there, talking and hes like i just want to hold your hand. or then he kissed my forehead and hes like i miss doing that. and just like.. little things! that we both want and can’t do. but we’re trying this friends thing. it’s hard because there’s definitely a tension of.. want? haha between us. but i guess we’re both using our heads. and not getting back together. BUT he is coming to see the time traveler’s wife with me :) ..mostly because i told him i’d ask another boy then and he’s like NO okay i’ll come. mwahaha. i know you’re all thinking this friends thing isn’t gonna work out and we’ll end up kissing and getting back together. we were SO close to kissing last night by the way. he kept saying it’s so hard to hang out and not just date me and how he likes me so much and blahblahblah. and how we’re going to see each other so much and hang out so much because we live so close and how that’s just going to bring us back together. unless we kiss too soon. so no kissing too soon? AH. i’m just like… leaving it be now. i’m okay with this situation. i still don’t like the ashley aspect of all of it and i don’t think i could handle dating him, ever, as long as he lives with her but for now. let it me. thank you, beatles.

he’s back tomorrow. i’m freaking out. i’m going to wonderland with one of his best friends tomorrow. and then we’re going drinking at night. with dylan. oh my gad. i’m freaking out. he’s back. back. for 8 months back. what the hell do i do? how am i not supposed to break down?! i’m going to cry. i just know it. especially if i’m supa drunk. oh god. this is a terrible, terrible idea. i’m almost at the exact same spot i was in 3 weeks ago. i’m still so mad. and i’m still sad. and even though i’ve forgiven him with it… the same problem remains. i don’t know if i’d forgive myself if i went back to him easily. but i wish i could. so bad. but i guess the good stuff in life doesn’t come easy? i don’t know. i hope he wants us to work as bad as i do. we were good together. we balanced each other. it was so. so. good. the little things to bigger stuff. from like, watching a movie at res. to driving to tofino together. everything, anything. was amazing. and i still hate that i like him so much. 

he won’t ever read this,
but he should probably know
that i still miss him.
every single day. 

driver on the right side and everything. it was a tour bus that takes you around downtown toronto, in the heart of it all. it’s also really cool because it comes with a free boat tour to the toronto islands, plus you can get on and off at any stop you please. so if you’re interested in the royal ontario museum, you can hop off, check it out (with a discount if you buy it on the bus might i add) and hop back on when the next bus comes along (every 20 to 30 minutes). handy, no? and even better is these passes last you 7 days. you can take 7 days to enjoy this city for 37.50$/adult pass. amazing. so anyways, i’ve compiled a short list of the random, quirky, and somewhat fun facts i learned today.

01. toronto is a native word meaning tree by the water. ironic because our water is a lake and there are no trees beside it in the city.

02. toronto was changed to the name york back in the day until it started getting bad nicknames such as muddy york and little york (it was little because new york was expanding quite extensively and rapidly at that point while toronto was not). needless to say, the name was changed back.

03. casa loma means house on top of hill or something like that in spanish because it is, in fact, on the top of a slight hill on spadina road.

04. spadina used to be el spa.. something. also in spanish, meaning on an incline or something or rather. okay, i stopped paying attention a little.

05. harbourfront waters are only as deep as 40ft at the max. this is the water before you reach lake ontario.

06. the deepest point in lake ontario stands so high that you could double the height of the CN tower and put it in.

07. the CN tower is not only a tourist attraction but also serves as a service type of thing for cell phones, tv’s, etc.

08. the CN tower is the second largest building in the world next to the building in Dubai - unfortunately, we will never beat them because the architects in Dubai designed their building specifically so that if we ever added onto ours, they could instantly do the same and beat us again.

09. the electricity power plant place just north of the roger’s center once caused a major black out lasting 2 hours in the city of toronto. the reason? a squirrel bit into one of the wires. rip little fella.

10. there have been 2 major fires in toronto, the first in 1849 and the second in 1904. one building survived the 1849 fire (on church st) and none in 1904.

11. church st. is named after the st. james cathedral on the street. that and the other 10 churches and 3 cathedrals on the same street.

12. church and wellington(?) area is known for being the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transexual) area of toronto. we have pride parades there and rainbows decorate every window, street sign, etc.

13. the king st. street car is the busiest of all the street cars running in toronto, with an average of 54 000 passengers on a daily basis.

14. fort york is one of the battle grounds for the war of 1812.

15. there is a checkered building by the AGO on dundas st. it is on stilts, which were made to look like crayons, because residents near the building complained when they came up with the plan of this building, saying it blocked their view of the park nearby (grange park). the stilts, funnily enough, were built to look like crayons, as the building is a part of the art college of ontario (not sure of exact name).

16. a building on church and lower jarvis used to have a jail in its’ basement. coincidentally, the basement jail would flood every single time it rained really hard and the jail would be flooded by sewage and other dirtiness.

17. the distillery district was once closed and now that it is opened again, it is only open to on foot pedestrians dedicated to the arts (and culture).

18. the architecture of casa loma consists of many different styles - as in roman, greek, etc. that type of stuff i know nothing about.

19. sir henry, the guy who had casa loma built and whatnot, was at one point the richest man in canada. however, he was eventually taken down by the canadian government and he owed them a total of 2 million (20 million after inflation these days) of debt. eventually, the castle was used as a payment and so casa loma now belongs to the government.

20. a castle to the west of casa loma was also built by sir henry. why? because he had leftover materials from casa loma.

21. there is a store, can’t remember which, either on church and lower jarvis or something along there - that used to be a bank. one of the really famous guys had tunnels built underground that led directly to the bank from where he lived so he could carry the giant bags of money he had to the bank, without making anyone jealous. thoughtful, right?

22. babe ruth hit his first professional home run in a baseball diamond on one of the toronto islands in 1914. the homer went so far, it landed in lake ontario, where scuba divers go looking for the ball to this day. no luck so far, but it’d be worth a fortune if someone found it.

23. one of the islands, perhaps centre island, runs only 5k from one end to the other.

24. 1 king st. is a condo on king st. and yonge. it is the skinniest condo in the world.

25. yonge st. was known as the longest street in the world and to many it still is. however, the guiness book of world records has taken that title away from the poor street.

26. one of the condo. like buildings on queens quay was built with a 45 degree angle in the front. some windows were tinted green/blue, to give the appearance of a cascading waterfall.

27. the tcc (toronto centre city) airport is only 2 years old and flies to destinations such as montreal, new york city, quebec, and as of lately, chicago, among a few others.

28. there is a red building also along harbourfront/queens quay area with the words “THE POWER PLANT” written on the left side of the building. very original… for that is exactly what it used to be. however, today, it is simply an art gallery or museum of sorts. they did not change the name. also, it is free until the end of summer.

29. sky dome was named by fans who were allowed to enter a contest to name the new building. a couple thousand entries read “sky dome” and so the names were put in a hat to pick the winner. the winner of this contest won a life time of seasons passes to any event, sports, entertainment, etc. at this particular building now known as rogers centre (after being bought by ted rogers).

30. the sky dome/rogers centre is one of the first buildings to have a retractable roof. this roof opens in just 20 minutes and closes in the same amount of time. 

31. the day the dome was opened for the first time, over 50 thousand people came out for the celebration. however, shortly after they pressed the button to reveal the toronto skies, they realized it was a terenchal downpour. people complained and eventually the chat “close the dome!” started despite the “open the dome!” chant a mere 20 minutes prior. it closed in another 20 minutes but by then all 50 thousand celebrators were soaked to the bone.

that’s all i’m doing for now. but isn’t that crazy? and okay how is it that i can listen to someone talk and i can take in all this information about a city… but nothing during classes? what the hell is wrong with me?!

and she basically told me some stuff i already knew with some extra bonus stuff. essentially, she verified that i had, in fact, lost sight of my priorities. this is true. suddenly, of all the chaos in my life - school, australia, jobs, a boyfriend - i lost sight of what’s the most important and what really doesn’t matter when it boils down to it all. school is my number one, it always has been. well no, career has been but school leads to that. i want to be a successful student, learner, and i want to be successful in finding a career that i love and look forward to. school and work are ways i can show off and prove to people i am smart and can do whatever the hell i want. i lost sight of that this year. since school and killian and friends and partying started, i lost track. i lost me. and when i lost myself, i started trying to find myself again in boys and activities. but that’s not what i’m supposed to do. i lost control of a bunch of things in my life, the chaos i mentioned earlier, and rather than picking up the most important pieces in my life, i was blind and picked up all the wrong broken pieces. the ones with the sharper edges, the ones that won’t do me any good and will only keep hurting me. but now i see. i need to figure out what i’m doing next year. my life is up in question marks right now. i need to figure this out. figure me out. before i can let anyone else in. and now it’s not even a matter of forgiving dylan or working things out with him. it’s a matter of me. it’s being selfish again and placing me first and not worrying about all the littler things in life. sure, boyfriends are fun. but they’re replaceable. time isn’t. time flies and time isn’t going to rewind for anyone. do things now, do things right, and even better - do things now, right, the first time. boys will come, no matter the time. but your future happens once. your life happens once. make it big, do something huge. thanks to my mom i’m seeing my priorities straight again. who knows what’s going to happen with my love life but i’m sure as hell not worried about being alone. i’m good at being single, i did it for 18 years. and the past 8 months that i have been in a relationship haven’t worked out so well for me either. i know i can get a guy. i know that guys will come now, tomorrow, in a year, in five years. but my mom needs me to be in school and find a job. i need myself to focus again. i need myself to be me again. the high school me that actually saw boys as a waste of time. because that’s what they are. they’re fun, they’re cute - but like i said, replaceable. and again, your present and your future aren’t.

basically, in short… thanks ma.

a moment of thanks, appreciation, and gratitude. to the people who i have known, grown apart from, try to keep in contact with and maybe failed at, or still talk to on a day to day basis. this is for all the people who i now realize have touched not only my life, but heart. these people have helped shape and change the way i am to become the person i am today. it is these peoples voices that i hear in my head when i make choices, when i’m losing perspective, and when i need to get myself back to reality. the people who have caught me countless times, each time i thought my world was ending. boy am i a drama queen, eh. all the times bitches have been dumb and boys have been even dumber and the girls were always there without fail. the people who have taught me to seize the day and relish in each moment. to be happy about life because we’re always okay. to laugh things off and take things with a grain of salt because it always gets better. thanks to the people who believed in me and talked me through moments of weakness when i wanted to give up on myself. this is for the ones who saw me at my worst - and not just in the mornings when i physically look my worst, but when i have bawled my eyes out, and could not stop. when my body shook, my heart ached, and i had no idea what to do. when i felt like i had lost control of my own life, thanks to the people who steered me back on course and showed me the light when i was blind to it. and this isn’t just for all the girls who have left imprints in my heart. this for for the guys. the guys who have never failed to just be so relaxed, so chill, so easy going and so level headed. the guys who just want to party, drink some alcohol and smoke some weed. the guys who made me feel like i was some babe, even though i know i’m not. the guys who can make you feel like a million bucks and be straight up honest when they don’t like your fake colour contacts, your dumb attempt at blonde streaks, and how they’re not impressed with the fact that you wear sweatpants day in and day out. this is for everyone who has changed my life. i see clearer because of these people, but it would be a complete lie to say i don’t need them, or people like them, in my life for the rest of my life. these people help complete me and keep me grounded. they are the traits i never had and am learning to acquire. they are the laughter when i am too mad to laugh at myself. they are the arms to hold me when i can’t be sad alone anymore. they are my strength when i’m too weak to do what’s right. thank you all for putting up with me and being yourselves. you are all too beautiful for words, inside and out.

sol yoon, katelyn huffer, kristen licas, michelle mcconnell, alexandra kelly, cam mitchell, myles koebel, brady yuzyk, ryan maclaren, kelsey millard, cynthia westle, marissa ali, trevor copland, matt byron, vicky chand, karn kalkat, mark chohan, gagan sran, amanda tsang, shannon and katrina rossall, kristin bortolon, dylan bams, brittany mackichan, tina yang, sandy tsang, and my mom.

she sat unmoving, except for the flicker of her eyes, on her cousins’ double bed. she was engrossed in the book; in the story, in the girls life, in the lives of everyone who was influenced by the character. she paused momentarily, at a stand still in the book when everything was the closest to peace it could be. she relished in moments like this. when nothing in the book reminded her of reality, when all it was was just a book and she could think about it and make it her own or simply put it down. she gazed outside the small window. looking north, she could see nothing but concrete and a few helpless patches of grass that had tried to grow. the horizon was dreary; the shadows encompassing the outstretched lands and swallowing the sun whole. she went back to her book, although she knew it wouldn’t be for long. and sure enough, five minutes and a few pages later, the thunder struck and bore into the earth. the lightning ensued and she knew she wanted to feel this. she easily leapt off the bed, saying see you later to her cousin, who looked at her curiously but knew better than to ask. in her room she rummaged through her drawers, unable to find her running shorts. frustration ripped through her and she threw her clothes all over her floor until she came across what she was looking for. she threw on her favourite work out tee, her running shoes which would later be too wet to wear for work, and tied her hair in a tight pony. her bangs clipped back and a headband in place, and she left. she stepped onto the creaky porch outside her door and took it all in. the light blue sky being slowly hidden by the dark, gray clouds approaching. she heard the light rain, though did not see it, and felt the humidity already seeping into her skin, and into her lungs. she looked both ways, first east then west. she went with west. she wanted to run on a busy street, she wanted to people watch and she wanted to go invisible in the crowd. she went into a light jog and everything felt right. she heard her footsteps, rhythmically yet lightly treading against the hot concrete, like a drum. she felt weightless and she hadn’t felt this much without a thought, without worries, in so long. so she ran. she ran south and went through chinatown, avoiding the busy shoppers trying to dodge out of the rain. she ran and her right ankle cracked with each step, and her left knee felt a sharp pain with almost every stride. and she took it all in. she was waiting for the rain and before she had even reached queen st., it came. it poured down like buckets of water, it soaked through her shoes, her socks, her shorts, and her tshirt became heavy. her hair was soaked and stuck to her head and she was so thankful she didn’t bring an ipod with her. she was happy. she looked to the sky and she was the only one who was smiling about it. she had been waiting for this moment. for the rain to pour down so unabashedly, abundantly, without any intention of stopping. she let it soak through her clothes and then watched as each drop landed on her skin and slid down, twisting and making their own paths on her arms, her legs, her face. and finally, she cried. there was no shame anymore, no one could tell how many tears slid down her face. she was already drenched. she ran and she cried, her tears mixing in with the rain, falling to her lips, leaving her to taste the salty bitterness of rain and her own melancholy. she tasted her own stupidity for believing in someone so much, for trusting someone so much that she gave away her own heart with the mistaken hope of thinking he would never hurt her. she cried because she just didn’t understand. soon she couldn’t cry anymore. she couldn’t run anymore. she came to abrupt halt and turned down a small alleyway. she saw the clubs she went to, the pubs she drank at, and the abandoned hot dog stands she ate at when it was 3 in the morning and she was hammered. she saw herself happy. and she looked at herself, and was disgusted with what she saw. she sat down on the ground, the concrete rose up above ground to allow her a seat. it was really merely just the side of an entry into an under ground parking garage. she sat there, catching her breath, feeling the ache in her ankle, her knees, and her heart. and then she went home. because no matter the speed you’re going, the length you’ve gone - it’ll always catch up with you and you’re still hurting.

when they say that the only person that can make you stop crying, is the one who made you cry in the first place.

isn’t that ridiculous? isn’t that just absolutely, positively, one hundred and ten per cent, pathetic? yeah. it is. i know. but still, it’s him i want. when i’m with other guys and i know i should be having a ton of fun, i’m still not. when it’s another guy who wants to hold my hand, kiss my forehead, tell me dumb jokes - it’s still not the same. and i want it to be. i want to be able to laugh. like a real, from the stomach, laugh. and i can’t. i haven’t really laughed in so long - except at cam’s video baha. but other than that, when i’m hanging out with other guys, i feel like i’m putting on a facade. like i have to be this amazing date so they’ll ask me out again. and they do. it works. maybe i should be an actress because if they knew what was really going on in my head, they’d be out faster than anyone could say julia has baggage. because i do. i have baggage because i’m still not over this. and i keep talking about it but i feel like it helps, so i’m sorry you all have to keep reading it but i think it’s helping me. i feel like i’ve talked to the people i would talk to enough already and i feel like this is just annoying now. maybe because it annoys me how much i think about it. i can’t even imagine being a third party listening to this constantly. and trust me, if i could have it any other way, he would be the last person i talked about, the last person whose name i wish i saw when my phone rang, and the last facebook page i would creep. ever.

i wish a lot of stuff. i wish going out with these new boys would help me. i wish the idea of australia would bring so much happiness that it just trumps my sadness. i wish the thought of getting a job offer in promotions and marketing work would excite me to no end, especially since i love that stuff. i wish the jays games would make me stop feeling so lonely because i’m surrounded by sometimes 15, sometimes 45, thousand people. i wish that when i woke up, it wouldn’t be the first thing i thought about. i wish i could just get over this. but a part of me still wants to hang out. for what might be. because despite it all, i want to be with him. okay, i said it. does that make me a terribly weak person?

that i can’t just get over you. that everything - every single fucking thing in this world - reminds me of you. even walking through kensington market. or how amanda, your house has those buttons in the bathroom for the thing that makes a lot of noise? you know what i mean? those things. or how britt’s bathroom’s walls were like the ones in his cabins bathroom. or how every god damn boy with longish blond hair with a baseball hat on makes me do a double take. how my breath still freezes and my heart still goes crazy when it’s his picture on my caller id when my phone rings or when i get a text and it’s his name that pops up. how i have his shorts and still sleep in them. how i have his dumb tshirt and it still smells faintly of him - of laundry and his deodorant and soap. how each time i take a dumb shower i think of … well. showers with him because i always, always got soap in my eye and he always told me how cute slash dumb i looked. sorry if that’s too much information. i hate that i can’t go a day. no fuck a day. an hour. half an hour. 5 minutes. without you crossing my mind. that i want you back so bad. that i probably want you back more than you want me back and you’re the one that cheated. i hate that i was so vulnerable around you. that i let myself be so open with you, so free with my feelings. that i trusted you to not hurt me, but then you did. i hate that i have constant reminders of the amazing times we’ve had because let’s be honest, almost all the times we’ve hung out have been amazing. you were amazing. we were amazing. and i miss all of it. i miss us. and i want you to be in this dumb city again. i want you to be here so you can see what you’re missing out on. i want you to be here to try and make it all better. i want everything to change so you can be here, i can be with you, and we can keep making memories together. i hate that i miss you. i hate it, i hate it, i fucking hate it and i almost hate you.

“i guess this is what i get for wishful thinking,
should’ve never let you into my door…”