i cannot believe that i missed this blog post of a friends. i had read alll of them, honestly. and i bypassed this one, aka the biggest confidence-booster, feel-good-about-life blog ever. if i were to reciprocate through words here, it would probably be a never-ending circle of appreciative blogs towards each other so i can only hope that my friendship with this girl will be enough. to show her how much i love her and all the great ways she’s impacted my life, whether knowingly or not. and i hope this girl (dang, so anonymous), knows i miss her all the time and wish everyday we were back at new and only a building away.
27 May 2009 @ 01:42 am
it was cowardess that made me push you away
I didn’t realize that I could come across this way to someone. It fills me with pure joy that I could be seen in this way… it’s almost unreal. It makes me realize that I’ve been living what I believe in, when all along I thought I was a failure at doing so.
This girl has been such an amazing and encouraging person in my life. She’s taught me how to question why I believe in what I do, and how to strengthen my faith because of that. In a way, she’s seen the deepest parts of me throughout this past year. She was the first one I went to for things like family issues and friend advice and when I just needed someone to make me laugh. She has a good heart and great intentions and I know she’s capable of loving with so much more than she already does. It scares her, and I get that. I just hope someday she can release that and what a joy it will bring to the person she releases it to!
All this year, I think I made the mistake of seeing her as my “non-Christian friend,” when I should have been leaving out the labels and letting her colourful personality and her vibrant, deeper nature penetrate my heart the way she ended up doing anyways. I was scared of this girl when I first met her. Because she was beautiful, because she had so much more street knowledge and experience than I did, and because understanding other people came so easily to her, when that was something I have always strived to do.
If I could go back and re-do it, I would have let her into my heart more. She’s someone who deserves it, who yearns for love and yearns to love and I wish I had given her more chances to do just that. I couldn’t have asked for anyone else to have spent my year - in all the ups and downs - with. She taught me a lot of things. Things about life, about love, about my faith, and about friendship and about the very heart, nature, and character of God Himself. And she probably doesn’t realize all of this. Just like I hadn’t realized the things she saw in me.
But then again, I guess that’s what friends are for. To bring out the best in each other. And I’m thankful that she had been the one to help me do that.
my autobiography & biography prof said that blogs reveal who we are - or a persona or sorts - whether we mean to or not. some people purposely pretend to be someone they’re not and put on a facade to be more outgoing, adventurous, etc. it’s the internet, you can be whoever you want to be. some people’s blogs make themselves seem more intelligent, others more funny, some more interesting even. i’ve never really paused to think about this but i guess blogs really are a direct reflection of who we are and what’s important to us in our lives. i guess i have noticed that slightly though because i have always admired peoples blogs when they have specific things they enjoy talking about. i guess hobbies. like the anthology is a blog showcasing this girls (incredible) sense of style. vancityallie is the life story of a west coast girl who as she says, “lives and breathes the west coast”. it’s evident to see within moments of going to her page that three of her favourite things are surfing, snowboarding, and probably photography. one of my favourites is a lady who gives her life/love story. she tells of who she used to be, the man she fell for, and the person she becomes. and yes, this is a tad bias, but i do also love my sisters blog. her blog represents her quite nicely. for starters she is pretty much a mango but you’d have to be in the familia to know that. and second, she’s on a mac. okay, literal stuff asides - her blog is clean, organized, vivid, colourful but not messy/clashy, and it tells of her travels, her baking/cooking, and even of a half marathon. though my sister cannot simply be classified into categories (much like anyone else), readers get a general sense of the type of person she is and what’s important/what’s fun for her. personally, and again i’m a tad biased, i think the person her blog represents is a good one and i’d share it publicly, too. then i come to my blog. it’s rather crap, isn’t it? you don’t have to lie, it’s okay. i know it is. i’m pretty much all over the map and the only “themes” you will find in my so called blog is boys. and sporadic to-do lists. what does this say about my life? that it a) revolves around boys and b) i’m so disorganized i can’t manage to keep anything straight that i must resort to online to do lists?! terrible representation of a person, though sadly i don’t think i can say misrepresentation. i wish i could. i do focus too much on les garcons and though it is fun and i’m young and etc, it’s really not what should be important. for the same reasons, ie. because i’m young and should be focusing on things that will do me good in the future. honestly though, i’ve always known this but i guess it’s really kicking in now. i need to find hobbies. real hobbies. things i love doing and will find time to do, not because i have to but because i truly want to. because i enjoy doing it and it is relaxing for me, even if not for others. and i shouldn’t be ashamed of my blog that i don’t want to give the link to the general public. it’s fine to have a diary i suppose - every girl has her secrets, right? but my goal is to have a blog a proud of - a representation of me, or a new me in general - that i’m proud of. one with hobbies and fun adventures and a life. maybe it’ll be rugby, maybe it’ll be training for a half marathon. maybe it’ll be school, maybe it’ll be reading, traveling - hell maybe i’ll drink for 3 days every weekend and blog about that. the effects of drinking and what not. only kidding. but i do need more solid things to talk about i think for this diary thing can only go on for so long.
will’s a good guy. he’s really nice. too nice? is there such a thing? shouldn’t be. he reminds me a lot of billy. super… not available. but. emotionally available? maybe. i’m not too sure. it’s easy, it’s nice. maybe i just really don’t want to be with anyone. maybe i really just do like jerks. maybe i like the chase. well, that’s not a maybe. but sometimes, i make myself sick. for at least half the time i was with will last night, i thought about dylan. i thought about the island, being in surrey, when we first got together, little dates in toronto. i thought about baxter, picking him up from work with his sister, his mom taking care of me while i was sick. i thought of his hot tub, boating with his family, him having dinner with my aunt and uncle and randos. memories, like a slide show, ran through my mind no matter how hard i tried. tofino. it always ended on tofino. because it was the last memory together. i make myself sick. i wish i could be fully over this. why am i still hung up on this? i don’t want to be with him. i know how much … not hurt, but. something bad. it would be bad for me. and i don’t want that. but being with him was unlike any other guy. and now, since him, every guy i’ve met has been compared to him. and isn’t it dumb that all the guys i’ve met since probably won’t cheat on me but that’s not what i’m thinking about. i’m thinking about his blonde, sun bleached hair and how soft it was and how he never used product in it. i’m thinking about his freckles, his pretty blue green eyes, and his sometimes - usually - crooked smile. i’m thinking about his dumb jokes, how hard he tried to make me happy, and the way he laughed. his dumb, ridiculous laugh. i’m thinking about how his chin rested perfectly on my head, how nice and tan his body was. is. the way he looked at me right before he kissed me, the way he looked at me right after he kissed me. i’m thinking about whether he cares - even at all - that we’re not together anymore. and i shouldn’t. i know. maybe i have high standards. but i also think that i can’t settle. so… will’s out. but am i going to regret letting him go, just like billy? because of all the guys i’ve ever met, he’s the most like billy. in every way, age excepted. and before i compared every single guy to billy. and now i’m comparing guys to dylan? this is dumb. i need to read. speaking of which, i finally bought all my books for my courses. well i need more for eng250 second semester. that’ll be another 5 minimum. i have so many novels now, it’s a little bizarre. i think i need a bookshelf. i think i need another hobby. which leads me to Girls of Glam - you can find them on facebook. they are a promotion company always looking for promo. models. i looked through some pictures and while some of the pictures look good, the others look a lot like… half naked girls trying to look hot, promoting something or other. i’d be down. hah.
okay, time to read. then work. rookie party tomorrow. aka ukrainian fast pitch team. and jforce end of season party sunday. heart breakage:(
someone recently asked me how i decided to break up with dylan and what makes me stand behind my choice. and my answer - asides from the fact that my sister would kick my ass if i ever even thought about staying with him - was rather simple. it was a matter of who i liked more. that’s how i decided. and i guess i’m glad he cheated on me because i had never really thought of anything this way before, but if a person hurts you, what makes anyone stick around? thinking about it, i can’t really think of anyone that’s hurt me that i haven’t cut out at least a little, if not completely. there are some high school girls who have brought me down and i talked to them throughout high school but without the same trust and respect. same goes for katy, and okay, i can’t think of anyone else. my life is amazing, not a big deal. totally kidding. but back to my being glad he cheated slash being happy i had this epiphany. it’s simply who you like more. now i liked dylan, a whole lot. if you’ve been reading this, you would know i thought i loved him and sometimes, i still think i did. but obviously i’m rejecting that chance with everything in me because who wants their first love to be a cheater. shortly put, nobody. therefore, i did not love him. anyway. okay so i liked dylan, but i love me. i’ve loved me since day 1 probably and i’ve liked dylan since february. i still love me. i would never cheat on me. i’m always here for me. i like myself way too much to put up with that crap. that’s how i decided. in case anyone was curious. plus i think it’s important that we all think of ourselves like that. i’ll probably always love me more, and when the day comes that a guy comes before myself - he wouldn’t do anything like that. and the moment he does, if he ever does - then i’m back to numero uno. simple. alright just had to throw that out there. thanks amanda for asking me how.
with a boy!
for many that is not a big obstacle, but for me… it’s kinda a big deal. i’m not one to be super comfortable a) going on a date and b) eating in front of boys due to my messy demeanor. alas, it went well and i did not spill anything on me (or him, thankfully). how was the date you ask? super good. i’ve hung out with a few guys this summer - understatement? - and this has been the best so far. let’s see. juice was fun, witty, and could’ve gone further but the dylan sitch got in the way. markwell… ha, was just too old. and his dancer ways, gangsta beats, having travelled a lot, etc. just made him on a level way different than my own. different worlds, really. fun to talk to still and be friends with though. tres funny. and good to look at - yum yum :) josh was fun, but he texted, called, talked to me too much en generale. he was nice to hang out with - good ego booster, but no sparks. plus his bod was good. as in it wasn’t great. high standards? maybe but hey, every girl should aim high. matt was never going anywhere - honestly because he isn’t. he’s a great guy; he’s super sweet, funny, and all that good stuff. but ambitious? not a drop in him. such a turn off. another neg? he doesn’t work out. it’s become so important for me in my life to surround myself with people who enjoy working out and who enjoy eating right and being healthy (not saying i am all those things, not even close). but i love being with people who genuinely love sweaty work outs, the adrenaline rush, and the idea of competition, being better than yourself last time. and he didn’t have that drive, and therefore.. he never stood a chance. arden told me he liked me after i broke up with dylan and then made a scene because i told brian what he told me. also, he called me a slut. twice. good thing i’ve rejected thaaat piece of work since day one. chris like katy first. enough said. no chance. aaron told me he straight up wanted to hook up. thanks for your honesty, but no thanks - you’re hot, but not that level of hot. and i am also not that level of easy nor desperate. funny guy though. djordje was not fun to kiss. no …want. does that make sense? there wasn’t any like gotta have you type of thing. red light. plus i definitely just wanted him more when he had a girlfriend. ha. and before i kissed him, obviously. orest kissed me the first time we met - odd. he’s cute, he treats me pretty well. all guys do at the beginning. i think he just likes the chase, which is fine by me because i love being chased. want more? not getting any. he keeps calling and texting. not annoying but… kinda annoying. like his blue eyes though. which leads me to will i guess.
…and this is where i melt a little. hahaha JUST KIDDING. no but seriously he’s cute - i wish he was a little bit taller - asking for too much? maybe. he wishes he was taller too so at least it’s agreed upon. he comes from a family of three kids; he’s the middle. middle child syndrome? nope. good. a dog person, breaky is also his favourite meal, and as i was discussing with someone the other day about how the next person i’m even remotely interested in MUST like country music … he’s a country boy. not that he’s a cowboy or anything but hey, a guy who likes country who plays hockey is hard to come by in toronto. especially one with brown hair and blue eyes. he’s pretty good on paper, not gonna lie. and maybe even more fun in person. ahh who am i kidding, i had an awesome time today. and i know it’s thinking way ahead and it probably won’t even matter in the long run but i don’t want a relationship. it probably won’t even matter that i don’t want one, or don’t think i do anyway, because he probably doesn’t either. i’m not sure. who cares. take it as it comes. let it be. but ah. good day. very good day :) …also because i did some readings for school. yay british lit. seriously.
or does everyone else feel exhausted, too? i feel like my body and mind are being asked to do a whole bunch of things at the same time - to be here, be there, write this, read that, clean the house, buy the textbooks, pay some bills, … is it just me?! ahhhh.
and now i’m going to read. until class. shower? no time for cleanliness.
isn’t it funny how in the heat of the moment - no matter how long the moment - whatever is happening to you feels like the biggest, most catastrophic, heartbreakingly devastating, thing that could ever be happening? questions like how could they do this, what were they thinking, why didn’t they stop, how could this have happened, etc. run endlessly and tirelessly through your mind. but why are we always thinking of the other person? why aren’t we thinking for ourselves? for what we can do, how we can change the situation, how we can make it better for ourselves. everything sucks in the moment, when killian and i broke up, i threw a stuffed animal against a concrete wall. i cried shamelessly until i exhausted myself out and every night when i went to bed he was the last person i thought of. but why? why did i spend so much time on a person who, without a doubt, was not doing the same. why do we care so much about people who don’t treat us the same? isn’t it a little bit ridiculous to think that anyone could ever want someone back, after being cheated on? i don’t anymore, not at all. but how is it, that in the moment, all i wanted was to be wanted - even if by someone who didn’t treat me the way they should have? and i knew it, too. why do we settle? why do we let our emotions take over us in the melancholy of the moment, in the sudden realness of a breakup, in the unbelievable hurt that comes with the concept of being unwanted - no matter who it is we’re unwanted by. why do we not think with our minds, our brains, our logic? maybe it’s just me. maybe every other girl in the world knows exactly how to be strong and stay that way. but i really doubt it. we’re better than their bullshit, we’re tougher than their mind games, and we’re stronger as individuals. because no matter how many times i’ve poured my little soul out crying about some boy… i’ve always been okay. it’s easy to go back to someone, it’s easy and it’s a lazy act. it’s for convenience and as amazing as that works out, it’s not the right thing. it’s hard to stand up and walk away, but in the words of the fray - sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. we can do better, and better is always waiting for us right around the corner. we just have to be able to leave where we’re at now to find it.
anyway, that’s my little rant-ish thing because i really do hate the amount of time and emotions i’ve invested into a couple boys. i look back on my situation with killian and i just laugh and want to punch the old me. and i know when i look back on this dylan thing, i’m going to think i’m crazy for even thinking of being with him after - and i’m going to be so, so happy for myself that i walked away. i already am. and i can’t promise i won’t ever cry about a boy again, but this is me promising that i’ll try to hold my head higher than my heart.
- that’ll sweep us off our feet.
i guess i should update on life a little bit. finally have some time - i think - in between everything. although i’m really not sure of when i’m supposed to be at the AC because i don’t know when our bus leaves buttt yenno. not a big deal?
so you all know this already but i met this guy will. well, we were already friends from before but then i asked for his numero. um most ballsy thing i’ve ever done, don’t know about the rest of y’all. kristen, i didn’t tell you how i asked for it - basically, i went up to him and we were talking and he’s like so what’s up and i say: well, you know, just wondering what you would do if i came down here, told you i think you’re cute and asked you for your number. BAAAH. and it worked and now we text all the time and we’re hanging out i think tuesday. we were going to hang out at night but something came up with work and so he texts me and tells me and asks if i’m free any other night and i’m like ah not really (i’m really not) and he’s like how about day? and so i give him a couple days and he’s like okay i’ll figure this out, don’t worry! and he’s all “i do want to hang out with you, don’t think i’m trying to bail, i swear i’m not!” and i’m like it’s cool work’s important, not a big deal if we don’t hang out. and he’s all thank you for understanding!! haha he is just cute. then i had a team dinner last night so he’s like okay i’ll let you go, text me after if you want! and i didn’t because my phone died and then at home i was hanging out with my roommatedizzies. so i text him at like 2 in the morning saying i definitely meant to text but my phone died. hope you had a good night and you’re not sleeping, although it is nice waking up to a text :) and this morning i get one like “morning, i was sleeping when you texted but you’re right it is nice waking up to a text. hopefully you’re still asleep so you can wake up to one too” AHH. he’s cute :)
that’s my little boy update. as for lifeee… hm. i’m in 4 courses, only 1 of which i’m genuinely excited for - american literature. ya, it’s laughable but it’s really interesting! plus i do sort of enjoy english and reading so i’m actually looking forward to having an excuse to load up on books and useless fictional classic literature. this week has been absolutely crazy, with work, rugby and school but i managed to squeeze’r all in and without losing (all of) my mind. i also got a couple textbooks/novels… by a couple i mean one class required like 7 books? geez. and just around 250$ so far. with a few more books to go. bah. anyway.
i should really go get ready. “ready”. aka throw on shorts, a tshirt, and sweats. shoes are good, too. OH. last night our team had a bonding night where we all went to Lou’s place and made dinner and got to know each other. we started with the forwards bringing/making food and then next week it’ll be our (the backs) turn. we had two types of pasta, salad, garlic bread, and smoked salmon. strawberries and blueberries for dessert, and of course chocolate milk to drink. the best post work out drink of life. it was so much fun and we played a game where we all write something about ourselves and put it into a basket thing and we draw it out one by one, reading what it says and trying to guess who it is. one girl has had three hamsters and killed them three different ways (all unintentionally of course). three girls have pooped/sharted their pants. one girl wrote that she has a hot boyfriend named matt, who she was going to see this weekend. “you know what that means ;)” so out of character for this girl. it was great to really talk and laugh and not just be working out butts off on the field. plus i got some rookie points for being one of the three rookies who actually stayed to do dishes. plus we overheard them planning our rookie party. oh GAD. …of course, i’m secretly excited. to die a little from alcohol consumption and acts of stupidity.
okay that’s all, i’m all spent with the computer. plus i’m wearing my glasses and it’s driving me nuts.
eng. autobio. & bio. 1-3pm
rugby 7-9pm / eng. british lit 6-9pm
eng. autobio. & bio. 1-2pm
eng. american lit 6-9pm
”- no one said it’d be easy!”
shannon smith, womens rugby coach
+ i got a concussion during a tackling drill yesterday
+ therefore i’m out until next week
+ i have an addiction to shoes. keds, birks, ballet flats, sandals, gladiators, sneakers, high tops, chucks, cowboy boots, rain boots, running shoes,… the list is endless. i love and want them all.
+ new quote: “if you don’t have what you want, want what you have.”
+ got a job at the athletic centre on the promo team. and because i’ve had previous promotions experience i’ll be made something along the lines of team leader. plus learn some management stuff, and ivan (the head promo guy here) said he’d talk to me about opportunities over the summer with york university and universities down in the states
+ the lady that “hired” me for my internship with amex this summer (mando) told my sister she wants me back next summer for the same gig but to “run the show” next year.
+ i’m still going to apply for Outlook Promotion (team i worked with at amex)
+ can you tell i’ve finally found something i really actually care about?
+ honestly, fuck boys. just fuck them all to hell. because we don’t need them. they’re fun to flirt with, good to look at, and a pain in the ass every other time. unless they’re amazing. then grab ‘em and hold on tight.
too tired for now, more later.